The Gym, New CDs, and Furry Creatures: They Do a Body Good

[image description: a woman holding a glass of milk with a milk mustache (rather sexually). The caption reads Milk does a body Good]

I apologize for the image, I was looking for something from the old ad campaign from the late 1980s/early 1990s (?) and I couldn't find one. I distinctly remember some commercial with a young teen boy standing in front of a mirror looking at himself but he was older and muscular. Anyway, I was trying to do a play on words with the post title and that ad campaign. Corny I know...

I'm freaking out right now. I always freak out at the beginning of the semester, but it seems that every semester it gets worse. Last semester I started having panic attacks but only during the day. This semester I started having them at night and was waking up repeatedly with horrible muscle spasms in my legs. I wanted to cut my legs off that night. I'm also having nightmares. That night nightmares about an upcoming 8-10pg paper were what was causing the panic attacks. Overall I am a complete and total wreck right now. I'm beginning to wonder if I have post traumatic stress from years and years of past school issues? I wouldn't have said so ever except the nightmares have me wondering...

But not last night. Last night I was in the best mood ever. Why? Because of the gym, new CDs and furry creatures. Oh yeah, and Monday afternoon I am finally getting a prescription for the SSRIs that I have been begging for for the last 14mos. I seriously want to kill her. Why she had to wait for things to get this bad I will never know. Do you know how fine I might be now if I had them 14mos ago? Maybe they won't make a difference at all, but maybe they will and we wasted all that time. I hope that she doesn't read this, decide I'm fine now and change her mind. Then I'm screwed.

When I did the last blog carnival (before this one, the Jan one) I said that blogging and art were therapeutic for me. While that was true, I realized that they are displacement activities (my shrink is going to be so proud of me that I figured this out all on my own). They calm me down and stop the panic attacks, but they really don't do anything to help me. They just push off what I have to do and don't make it go away. I just have to do it later. So I'll freak out again later. Yesterday I rediscovered better coping skills that I hadn't used in months.

I rediscovered the gym. I used to go to the gym all the time because I had 3 Drs that scared the crap out of me that if I didn't go and I used my chair too much I would stop walking and it would be irreversible. Like that would be the worst thing in the world ever... Not so I realized. What's so bad about being a full time chair user I started thinking? I've been blogging, and I joined ADAPT and the cross disability rights coalition (a local group) this summer. I'm interacting with TONS of full time chair users all the time now, and their lives aren't horrible. They're quite good in fact. So I stopped being afraid and I stopped going. My quality of life wouldn't get any worse, so why should I bother?

Well I should bother because it makes me feel really good. GREAT stress reliever. I went to the gym yesterday for the first time Since July. My favorite thing to do is run. And by "run" I mean 4.5mph which doesn't qualify as running by most people's standards, but you should see how sweaty I get. Unfortunately I am so out of shape that I can't run at all right now (or do push ups) but it'll come back. My CP doc keeps telling me not to run at all, that it's going to mess up my joints, but I don't care. The endorphins are AMAZING. And you know what? I realized that they are so amazing that I still would never care if I couldn't walk for the rest of my life and I became a full time chair user, But I would care if one day I could never run again. Does that make any sense at all? I love it that much and I was an idiot and stopped.

The next thing that I did was to ditch my Ipod Touch and go back to my tiny little shuffle. I think using the touch was making me paranoid. Second I bought the new Nickelback CD. You see, contrary to logic slow "calming" music doesn't do a thing for me. Music does A LOT for me, but only what I term "running music". I've been wanting to buy that CD for months, but I'm still computerless. You're supposed to be able to download music straight to the touch, but it wouldn't recognize my account info. When I'm really freaking I need something new. That first time I bought the Greys Season 3 CD and became absolutely addicted to the Ingrid Michaelson song.

By Friday not having a computer and not being able to download that, I consider an emergency. So after my shrink appt yesterday she very nicely let me borrow my powercord so that I could do so and also load on a mix CD I finally found. Took forever because I had to hand pick which songs to take off the shuffle (its only a 1 gig and was full) and then handpick the songs to put on. Also, I am such a crazy nut. I can't get wireless in her office, but I can get it outside. I considered it such an emergency that after my computer had charged enough to take it outside, I went out in the cold to download that CD. But I felt instantaneously better.

Lastly is the furry creatures thing. That wasn't a rediscovery. I've known what dogs can do for me since I was 13 and had surgery and met my first therapy dog. I've been begging for a dog for 9 or 10 years but my mom hates animals. That and I'm a slob.

The picture on the right is Oreo. He's a toy fox terrier and belongs to my best friend (I hope she doesn't mind I swiped this from her facebook). I LOVE that dog! I'll come over and I won't even be in the door and he attacks me. He gets SO excited to see me he jumps on me. He won't even let me take my coat off. But at this point Oreo knows the drill (still won't let me take my coat off though). I won't pet him standing up. He's too little, I'd have to bend too much and that's too difficult. If I ever do get my coat off it goes in the corner next to the couch and to calm him down I will sit on the couch immediately and pet him. At this point because he knows the drill, before I even turn around he's on the couch with his front paws on the arm just looking at me like "come on already!" Now I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't cheer up from that kind of love. Sometimes when I'm fuming mad at everyone over there and don't want to speak to them I'll still go over just to get my weekly dose of Oreo time.

Yesterday I had an extra special treat. My other friend got a 3mo old (rescue) kitten on Saturday. 2 furry creatures! After I got my music straightened out I went over and I was supposed to be helping make dinner. I did sort of. I got everything for the first dish in the pan and then it was boiling and I went "I'll be right back. There's a cat in this house!" and dashed into my other friend's room. I never did come back. The cat was stupid. She was sitting in the corner in a very inaccessible spot for me and if she had stayed there I would have sat on the bed and left her alone and just let her size me up. Instead she saw me and jumped on the bed. So I sat a bit away from her and approached her very slowly. I made friends with the kitty (Maya)! By the time I had to go eat she was snuggling with me and had even let me put my arms around her for a few minutes.

So not only was Greys AMAZING last night, but I managed to get sandwiched between Maya and Oreo! Maya curled up on her mommy's lap and then I was next to her and on my right was Oreo and next to him was his mommy. DOUBLE furry creature time! That'll tame anyone's anxiety (unless of course you're allergic). It was funny because I was petting Maya and Oreo's mom was getting jealous I was ignoring the dog. LOL so I used both hands simultaneously. SERIOUSLY. I couldn't have asked for more. I want a furry creature of my very own (and not a gerbil)!

This morning, well this morning I woke up anxious again about something different and after a bit, I went "you idiot" and grabbed my shuffle. I was fine within minutes and have managed to keep myself together all day. Although I don't know if I can ever take this off...

So, what does your body good?