6 Questions on Passion

I've wished in the last year that I'd taken some time to be reflective / introspective about my life and after spotting this meme on Jay's blog I decided to take the opportunity.

What puts a smile on your face?

Following what makes you truly happy is a wonderful way to figuring out what you were put on Earth for. Think about something that you do or that perhaps you used to do that brings you total happiness!

Furry creatures like dogs, cats and horses, NOT mice or squrils or things like that. 18 months ago I was visiting my brother all the way in California and one of his cats curled up on the right side pillow and another curled up behind my bent knees. I tend to toss back and forth and sleep diagional so it was hard to get a deep sleep while trying not to disturb them, but they put me completely at peace. It's also hard to be at a barn with all the dogs and ponies without being as mobile (and short) as I was when I was a tween. It's hard for me to bend over to pet dogs, and it bothers me that over the years I made a consious decision to make my balance worse. I've been longing to bury my head in my ponies neck, but I've been too afraid s/he'll move and I'll fall over. I wish I didn't always feel like I have to keep my distance these days.

What do you find easy?

What we find easy for us to do, will be related to what we are passionate about. It’s very hard to hate something that is very easy for us!

Information and referal. I always pay attention when people mention resources and love, love, LOVE when I can hook someone up with agencies/services that solve their problems and improve their lives.

What sparks your creativity?

Think about something in your life where you seem to always expand its horizon, always coming up with new, fun, and exciting ideas relating to that subject. Whatever makes you creative is something that you are passionate about.

I haven't been super creative in years, since the last time I had an extended hypomanic episode :( It's sad because creativity is one of the things I value the most.

What do you like to talk about?

Most of the time, we aren’t aware of this. A good way to figure this out properly, is to ask your friends. Ask them what they believe you like to talk about the most, what topic makes your eyes brighten up, and changes your entire behaviour.

I like to complain about the injustuces in my world. The lack of housing vouchers, people like nursing facility social workers who purposely hide community resources, lack of knoweldge of affordable health care, for example. When I'm at On Our Own I frequently talk about depression, whether it's the things I'm not doing like dishes, or the things I am doing, like horseback riding and personal trainer appointments, or the rush I get from activism.

What makes you unafraid of failure?

When you do what you are passionate about, you have total confidence in your abilities. This makes you not worry about failing, because in your mind, how can you fail when you do what you love?

I'm always affraid of failing because I've failed so much in my life that I mostly expect to fail. Sometimes though I purposely go into something with very low expectations, like bowling, or horseback riding. I can't fail when I have realistic expectations.

What would you regret not having tried?

If you were at the end of your life, what would you regret not having pursued? What would you have liked to do, that you didn’t get a chance to?

I deeply regret not going back to school and not having been able to finish my degree when I was so close to being done. I wish I wasn't taking an extended break.

Content

Yesterday I went to the Caring Across Generations Washington DC Care Congress. It's all about getting more rights for domestic workers, including PCAs. I wouldn't consider myself a labor advocate, but ADAPT was a big sponsor, so they wanted a showing. Initially I felt guilted into going (I have standing Tuesday afternoon plans), but I am so glad I went.

On the Caring Across Generations site you can watch the morning portion of the Care Congress (Warning though, I think it's four hours), see all the religious, labor, elderly, and disabled activist groups that sponsored (there are tons), listen to personal stories, and look up where/when your local care congress will be held over the next 13 months.

To give you a little background on what it took for me to get there, up until my 20s I had panic attacks in Target. My directional sense is horrible, I still cannot ever seem to find the front of the store, but now that I'm a chair user the anxiety has dissipated. I'm not wearing myself out like I was. Nor do I seem to care when I get out of there.

I started off my day from my parents' house, being that they live an hour closer then I do, and hopped on the bus to the metro. Turns out the elevator was out at the stop, so I hopped on another bus to the next stop (making me late, but so what), rode the metro where I needed to go, got off, rolled half a block down the correct street, noted that the numbers were going down, not up, turned around, and found the hotel without any trouble.

I couldn't help but beam. That was something I was never completely certain I'd be able to do, and I didn't even bat an eye (I think that's the expression) when I did it. It was a good start to a very long and tiring 19hr day, as I hadn't slept a full night in 5 days at that point.

It was more then nice to see and relax with some super awesome activist crips and labor activists whom I either just met or hadn't had a chance to see in a couple of months, as they live all over the country. It was also a good chance to be myself and to be viewed as an individual with enormous potential to affect change in the lives of millions of people, even though I don't know nearly as much about labor issues as others there. I felt smart, I felt accomplished, I felt valued, and oddly enough I didn't feel inferior to anyone there. I've had an inferiority complex for YEARS.

After giving it some serious thought before I made a comittment to go, it turns out I also didn't give a crap that I ditched my shrink appointment to go. I didn't need to go. I needed to be there. I needed to find the hotel alone without having a panic attack, to navigate both me and a friend through the metro to a resturant I'd never been to before, and to have social interaction beyond the walls of the local nuthouse (where OOO uses donated space). So I texted her at about 10pm. Old habits die hard. I told her I felt [a word I refuse to use in relation to myself], for lack of the ability to find a more appropriate word at the time. I had more fun Tuesday night then I can remember having possibly ever, and later came up with those words that had alluded me at the time.

I felt HAPPY. I felt CONTENT.

"Life is what happens when you're not at your shrink." True that!

I don't know if I've ever felt content in my life. I don't think I've felt happy in 3 years (well, maybe at National Actions). I can't remember when I didn't feel inferior. I mean, I grew up a cripple. I didn't have any happy and content crip role models growing up. I'd never met a confident, content wheelchair user until 3 years ago. I knew it was possible, but man did I have some roadblocks.

I've known for years that I needed more then just medication and therapy to keep me stable and functional, but I didn't have have the resourses to access what I needed. This dramatic development didn't happen on it's own in issolation. So I'd love to keep going, but this post is long, and I already talked about that a little. Maybe there'll be more tomorrow.

On Rolling In the Street: the Saga

Yet another horsey post. You're just going to have to put up with them, I can't help it! Lately I've been thinking about horses more then I think about botox, which is really hard to do, because when I think about Bentley I think about botox and how we can change it up so I can "get back in the saddle" again (I've been riding bareback) without feeling the need to cry. I wish I'd actually paid attention to "you have to stretch your adductors or you won't be able to ride a horse." They actually weren't kidding! But enough with the tangents...

Therapy Doc wrote a post yesterday that was very loosely about horses (and posted pictures like the one to the right that made me go OOOOO PONIES! and squeal a bit in my head, like I used to do out loud when I was 5) and a bit less loosely about riding her bike on the shoulder of a busy road.

Riding in the street and ponies: 2 things that are very closely related in my life. If I have the choice, of course I roll places on the sidewalk, but sometimes you are just completely stuck. Some scenarios: Say you get to the end of a block and a curb cut is either completely missing or being torn up by a construction crew. The one on the other side is fine. What do you do? Go home or roll back half a block to a driveway and then dash as fast as you can?

Snow is the worst because people tend to shovel snow into curb cuts and the amount of snaking back and forth between street and sidewalk is maddening. My mom lives in what could by some be considered a remote area, but really it touches one of the biggest cities in the state. So it's a little woodsy. I have no sympathy for you mom. I live in a more urban area compared to her, even though I'm not in the city. She once commented to me about how much easier it must be for me in the snow. I said "You have no idea. You have a car! People don't shovel sidewalks and bus stops!" The aftermath of snomagedden had me constantly praying for my life. The bus stop outside my building always gets cleared ASAP but when I got somewhere I'd discover their bus stop had 5ft of snow on it and so the bus couldn't pick me up to go home.

Some information: Paratransit will only drop you off within 0.75mi of "fixed route transit." That means a bus/light rail/subway/metro stop. It was designed to make accessible what is available to the able bodied and less disabled public. If somewhere isn't reasonably accessible to them (0.76mi, they're strict) paratransit won't go there.

Which brings me back to ponies. Ponies don't generally live close to bus routes. Can you imagine a horse trying to catch a bus? I was thinking of riding at ROSES but they're way out of range. Found this other place, called up twice and said "Can you tell me if you go to this address?" Twice I was told yes. But then I tried to book a ride. A no go. A google maps investigation revealed that they are 0.9mi from the closest bus stop. So I looked into getting a PA. He moved after a few weeks, which is just as well, because he had a thing for me and it was awkward. Must do a back post about that.

In the few weeks he was around, I stared at bus stops and buildings along the road. One day I spoke with a friend, a wheelchair user who likes to describe herself as being the size of an 8yo. "I think I found a place," I said, "but it is still 0.3mi up the road." I figured car drivers have a harder time seeing her, and if she would do it...

"You can't roll 0.3mi in your new chair?" was the response.

"Well there's no sidewalk, but the shoulder is really wide and the road isn't all that busy."

I would never roll in a lane. I'm nuts, but I'm not suicidal. I also would never do this in the dark, but this was May, or would never get dropped off at the closest place they would take me (0.1mi closer) because it is across the street, and I would never cross traffic in the middle of the road. This place is on the same side of the street, and it's actually next door. It borders on their hayfield. ARGH! They refuse to take me next door because although their property is well within limits, their driveway isn't!

"So what's the problem?" she asked.

"[I listed some people] will freak out."

"Well don't tell them."

Except how are the people at the barn not going to find out? They did freak out. But what would YOU do? Look for a new PA to pay $3o to drive you round trip or pay paratransit $3.70. You know what I'd do... We're trying to figure out how to get some sort of bubble placed around the place since their property is within limits. If it wasn't I'd let it go.

In the meantime I was convincing drivers to drop me where I was really going instead of next door, explaining the situation. Most of them were cool and understood to keep it on the down low. Until the last week of June when someone thought she was being helpful and called the address change into her supervisor. I'm lucky they didn't kick me off, but they're watching me, I'm on their radar.

So for now my trainer is picking me up from next door, but I'm still OK with rolling down the street. It's not rush hour, it's not busy, it's broad daylight, and the choice was pay a PA or get half hr massages, so I won't feel the need to cry [see 1st paragraph]. What would YOU do?

On Mindfulness: How to Exercise with Spastic Legs, Post 1 of Many

I think I'm going to start a series, "How to Exercise with Spastic Legs", but I don't own a camera, it requires pictures of me, and even if I did own a camera I can't take pictures of myself. People I know IRL read this blog. Anyone volunteer?

Today I went to the gym for the first time in so long I don't want to mention it. What precipitated this unusual event? I think my dosage of one of my meds is now too high and I'm a bit worried that it'll take me in a direction I don't want to go. I've been telling my shrink for 4 years that if I just got myself back on a horse (and found a massage therapist and an acupuncturist, and went to the gym) I could take myself off them. Then I realized that's probably dangerous, but feeling like I need to lower my dosage wasn't unexpected.

horse ✓

massages ✓

gym ✓

acupuncturist, not so much

Anyway, horseback riding precipitated my general desire to get back into shape even if it didn't get me physically to the gym.

The point of this post though isn't that I went to the gym for about 50 minutes today, but that I went in there with an entirely different mindset then I ever have in the 10 years I've been gyming on and off. I started physical therapy 2 weeks ago for the first time in about 4 years I think, a referral I got from a close friend (so why did I find myself in a gym? My goal is to exercise 30-60mins 7 days a week, as opposed to the 2-3hrs 2x a week I used to do) and I think it's this PT that used to tell my friend to "respect the pain." I used to take long gym breaks and then go back to my exact same workout I was doing before, thinking that lower weight or lower speeds would be ok. Except I always ended up pulling muscles in my legs several gym sessions in a row.

This time I decided to "respect the pain," and not do anything potentially dangerous. I stayed off the weights. I only biked for 5mins, I stayed on the tredmill for just 5mins, backwards (a GREAT exercise that works your abs, adductors, glutes, hamstrings, gastrocs, upper arm muscles, and every muscle in your back) and did a modified floor routine: 75 crunches, 20 "girl" push ups, 15 hip bridges, and 30 of my shoulder stretches.

And to my surprise I ended up practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness has been big in psychotherapy for at least the last decade. It's what the picture (right, isn't it odd that I found a picture with a horse) says it is: "Being still, becoming aware, living fully in the present moment." Mindfulness is big in eating disorder and anxiety treatment, among other things, although it's not something I've ever delved into in therapy, despite my anxiety issues. Either it isn't my therapist's "thing," or she caught on rightfully that it isn't my thing. I shy away from anything new agey.

If you want to learn about my particular subset of mindfulness, Body Sense, or Embodied Self-Awareness, check out this post from Psychology Today. Today when my abs felt the tinyist bit sore (a 0.5 on a pain scale) I stopped what I was doing at the end of that set, put both hands on my stomach, and took 10 deep breaths in and out, counting them and focusing on what my breath felt like. Then I kept going.

I'm focusing intensely on my adductors and my abs, so after my hip bridges, I laid flat on my back on the floor (I was already down there, so why not), my body aligned completely straight with my legs hip width apart, put my hands on my hip bones, which I wasn't even able to feel until I was 13, and concentrated on how my back felt against the wood floor and the 0.5 degree of pain in my right adductor, and I just breathed. I may start taking baclofen before my workouts. It's always been the tightest muscle in my entire body and if just that little bit of a stretch causes any degree of discomfort I don't want to risk going further and doing damage.

Mindfulness was an unexpected change, and something I hope to be able to continue, although people sometimes get concerned if you're lying on the floor at the gym. As someone with spastic CP, I typically spend all day "scrunched up." I'm sitting in my powerchair right now hunched over slightly, I tend to end up sleeping with my legs crossed, I stand crooked with my legs bent at the knees. For the last half of my life since my hip flexor surgery and my subsequent back issues I've tried to spend a few minutes at night in bed laying on my stomach. I figure your body wasn't designed to be scrunched all day long and it's the least I can do for myself.

But this was different, besides the fact that I was able to fight the urge to cross my ankles. This centered me, and I owe it all to Bentley (the horse). It's something I'd recommend to all the spastics out there, even if you can't completely unscruntch yourself. Start a little at a time :)

Moms & Botox: What's the Deal? Or, Botox is Relatively PainLESS (and Botox Day is Like Christmas)

I've been meaning to post this since October when Tanis posted about Jumbly's botox appointment. She called the post The Steel-Toed Boots of Motherhood. I read it and thought about other moms that have written about botox, like Ellen and Kathryn. All three of their children have cerebral palsy, all three write about their children's botox appointments with angst, and I wonder why. I am somewhat flummoxed. I thought I wrote a post over a year ago, Botox Day: It's Like Christmas, but apparently I never did. OK, I don't know anything about Christmas (remember, I'm Jewish), but as my appointment gets near I start counting down the days.

In her next post Tanis writes that the day of the appointment was a soul crushing day for her. In 2009 Ellen wrote about being scared for Max. I don't know why Max's doctor puts him under general anesthesia for botox, I've never heard of that. I have heard of using conscious sedation for little children, like what was done with Ellie.

Kathryn thinks that people who think botox is not painful are out of their mind [look at the picture below, it's a teeny, tiny needle]. Jenni and I must be out of our minds then. Kathryn, have you ever had botox? How do you know? She seems to think that the pain produced from a botox shot is 100x worse then a tetanus shot. No, Kathryn, it's not. Tetanus shots are worse. To me, botox shots hurt about the same or less then a flu shot.

I understand that these kids are 7 and 8, and that when I first started getting botox regularly I was 20. I did have botox a few times when I was somewhat younger and unconscious, during surgery, but doing it that way makes it hard to determine whether improvements are from botox or surgery. I also had botox once when I was 18, although hardly any, I think just in my thighs and opted for the numbing cream.

I fully support the use of numbing cream, conscious sedation, distraction like bubbles or I Spy books, or sheer bribery like ice cream, money, or a trip to the toy store for little kids. I might suggest calling in a child life specialist. Getting upwards of 8 shots is a lot for a kid to take. I would have been a wreak at 7 and 8. But for the last five years I haven't opted for anything for pain management. Botox is my pain management. It's a g-d send. I just don't have the patience for EMLA. Having to wait for paratransit to take me to/from my appointment tries my patience enough. Waiting for Emla to kick in might put me over the edge.

OK, OK, I'm being rather misleading. Botox is injected all over my body every 6 months. I get it in 8 muscles, and because they are rather large muscles my physiatrist spreads the shots out and injects more then 1 spot. Of course I feel it. Of course, just like getting blood drawn or a flu shot, my natural CP reaction is that my whole body tenses up even before the needle even hits my flesh. Try telling someone with spastic CP to relax. It ain't happening.

Fortunately, I was told by Dr Gormley, of Gillette, that in the case of botox, tensing the area actually makes it easier for the physiatrist to find / access the correct muscle. Score one for spasticity! Of course it hurts when the needle is in my flesh, but as soon as it is out there is no longer any pain. It doesn't linger. I don't walk out of the hospital in pain. There is some very minor discomfort, but as my current physiatrist suggests, going for a walk afterwards not only helps work the botox into your muscles and helps it to take effect sooner, it also makes that discomfort go away sooner. What do you do if you can't walk? I don't know. Ask your physiatrist.

I always wonder why my doctor always has this look of guilt or something on her face when she is giving me botox. I'm sure the look on my face isn't pretty. I do always utter multiple OWWWs during the appointment. But I always wonder why she doesn't focus on the tremendous amount of pain that she is saving me. Or why she doesn't focus on the giant smile that I'm sure is plastered on my face most of the times she walks into the room. She's there to give me BOTOX! I'm a botox junky. Dr. Alter is one of my favorite people. She's totally got me strung out on the stuff :-)

She should hear the way I talk to other people anticipatorily about botox, with that smile on my face. Or maybe I should tell her that in the weeks leading up to "botox day" I go to bed thinking about botox the way most Christian kids think about Santa Claus (I think I have told her that actually). I'm sure little kids getting botox don't think of it this way, but I know of at least one other person my age (coincidentally a patient of Dr. Gormley) who looks forward to it, although I'm not sure if she looks forward to it as much as I do.

So I wonder why these moms look at botox with such angst, while I look at it as somewhat joyous in a way. Yes, I am injecting diluted botulism all over my body, almost from head to toe (from shoulder to calf), and yes, I'm fully aware that botulism in it's pure form is a lethal form of food poisoning, having done a report on it 8 years ago for 11th grade chemistry class. But the pain I otherwise have, especially from panic attacks, is unbearable. Although I'd like another option, I've rationalized the food poisoning. Why can't mothers?

How to Survive Chronic Depression: Cheryl Style

The theme for this month's disability blog carnival (which will be up on the 21st) is "long nights and what we need to get through them." I thought I'd participate, especially since I've participated in just 1 carnival this calendar year, other then the one I hosted. I used to submit to all of them. So, lets see...

1. itunes
2. caffeine
3. munchy snacks

WAIT! Dave doesn't want to know how to pull an all nighter?

In all seriousness, I've been wanting to put up this list for the last month and a half. I've been depressed most of the last decade, if not longer. The chronic nature of my depressive episodes is why I was for so long misdiagnosed as having unipolar depression. I haven't though been continuously depressed for the last 10 years. I have had some brief breaks here and there, so I'll post my tips, how I got there. If only I would listen to my advice all the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) Find a good therapist

If for no other reasons then 1. you'll be guaranteed to get out 2hrs a week (travel time counts) and 2. there's 1hr a week where you don't have to pretend to be ok and/or worry about what people will think/say. A good therapist won't tell you to try harder, but will help you figure out how to keep trying. Do you get the difference?

2) Get out at least 1hr/day, preferably during daylight.

There are a lot of hours of my day spent in bed online. This is much easier said than done. Especially if you're on a limited budget. Going places tends to lead to spending $. But I was so proud of myself when I was doing this. It was such a big accomplishment, at the time I think I was radiating with pride. If you're working you're lucky. You're out.

3) Join a PEER RUN support group.

Most people are judgmental about how you got depressed/why you're depressed/ what you need to do/are doing to not be depressed. I've never met someone at OOO who was judgmental of my journey. If they are, they're really good at hiding it. Here, again, is the link to the DBSA.

4) Exercise. How much? What kind? I don't know.

A lot of my friends are obsessive swimmers. I like to run. And ride horses.

5) Spend time with furry creatures. Unless you're allergic.

People are rarely as happy to see me as animals (dogs, cats, ponies) are. When something is that happy to see you, you can't help but be happy too.

6) Shower more then once a week.

I know what you're thinking. If I'm not going anywhere why bother? Because you'll feel less gross. You'll still feel gross, being depressed automatically makes me feel gross, but don't you want to feel less gross? Take one extra 15min shower a week. You'll be amazed. You'll also be more likely to go out. Who wants to smell?

Don't pressure yourself to shower everyday if it's too overwhelming. Just twice a week. I've been there where the thought of both showering AND getting dressed (I could do either or) made me cry.

7) Get someone to do your laundry once a month. More if you don't own a lot of clothes.

Even if you have to pay someone it'll be worth it. Laundry is an overwhelming task, and not doing so will keep you from going out, for fear that your clothes smell. If you don't know a "cleaning lady" to pay, pay a friend. If they say no, they're not really your friend. If they truthfully have OCD and are afraid of germs, they get a free pass.

8) Eat at least twice a day.

Even if you have to order take out from some place like campusfood.com because you're too depressed to go out to buy groceries / take food out / make the food that you have or even get out of bed to go to the other room to get your phone to call in a delivery. Unfortunately, you do have to get out of bed to answer the door when the food arrives. If you don't eat enough you'll start feeling physically ill and that's the last thing you need when you're depressed.

9) Keep on top of your dishes.

Because even if you don't leave all day you can still say you did something.

10) Buy a velour track suit.

This wasn't on the original list, but I went shopping with my BFF 2 weeks ago, telling her that was a necessity. I'm surprised people still wear these. Do they actually, or is it just me? The Juicey craze popped up like a decade ago. I still sleep in my velour pants I got for Chanukah in 2001. They're a MUST if you're depressed, especially in the winter. They're great to curl up in bed in, and if you have to go out you don't have to change to look put together.

I don't know what you do if you're a guy.

PLEASE ADD YOUR IDEAS IN THE COMMENTS. We could all use the extra ideas.

HORSES AND CRIPS!!!!!

It's the BEST combination!!!!!

I was looking at an article on the Baltimore Sun website and they have this little video player thing on the side, as do apparently all newspapers run by this media group, as I saw a similar looking video player on an Ohio blogger's blog. Anyhoo, I guess they have many of the same videos on every site??? This place isn't even in Maryland. But whatev! Things like this are always a double edged sword for me as they make me both happy and forlorn.

The Pumpkin Outside of My Door (Not so Wordless)

I was in Michaels with a friend Sunday and these pumpkins were right in the front of the store, 60% off. I'm always low on $ at the end of the month, as is everybody else, but I couldn't resist for $5 and change. I knew I had end tables I haven't figured out what to do with. They are so light I carried it out to the hall with one hand. Forgot about the leaves I've had for years from a project I never did, until I got home and something jogged my memory. At which point I remembered the candy I found the night before on top of my fridge, reject from a friend who got them as a present last winter. I hope somebody likes them...

Makes me happy... :-D

Wordless Wednesday

Notice a theme in my posts these last 3 days? These three photos, although taken almost 2.5 years ago, are probably the most recent photos of me with a horse. I found them on my mother's camera after our vacation. The horse's name is Cadance, and yes, I know my helmet is too big.

It's Labor Day Here in the US...

a day set aside to commemorate the American worker. It of course is just assumed that we are commemorating human workers, but it's not only humans who put in long hrs working. I thought I'd put up something short and sweet commemorating service dogs. If you haven't noticed, I have 2 new blogs on my blog roll which pertain to service dogs, Doodle at Your Service, which chronicles the life of Bailey, a SD in training, and Dog in a Dorm: Life with Holden at Mount Holyoke College.

Dogs don't have to be putting in laborious hours to be considered working. Sometimes loving can be just as beneficial as opening a door. That's where therapy dogs come in. I ♡ therapy dogs! The image above left was found last week by simply google imaging the word therapy while trying to find an image for Friday's post. This lead to a brief article on therapy dogs in hospitals, something I am very fond of. Here is a new video (if you missed it, the first one I posted is here) that highlights the impact that dogs can have in hospitals. enjoy!

A Therapeutic Riding Place Near Me

Someone in my class is currently interning at ROSES and somehow I got to this article (click to read it) from an office wide email at my internship and not from her. From what I've heard all summer ROSES is a GREAT place and I got pangs watching this video knowing that I cannot go riding because paratransit does not go there. Joan just sounds so AWESOME from what the intern says. She is so dedicated she doesn't even pay herself!

4 H Therapeutic Riding

I googled this program which I am somewhat associated with to find out how long it takes to drive there from where I live (1hr-1.5hrs, ick) and found this video. Horses make me REALLY happy :-D

Pet Therapy at Dayton Children's

This is my last post in my series of weekly child life videos commemorating March as Child Life Month. Of course I saved the best for last. There is nothing better then a dog in a hospital :-)

Past Posts:

• Go back in time at the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario
  
• Closed circuit TV at the Mount Sinai Kravis Children's Hospital
  
• Medical play & hospital bingo at the Johns Hopkins Children's Center
  
• Language use and giving choices, Sherry Schlagle from Cooper University Hospital
• The Adventures of Bernard, the Hospital Puppet (pre-op teaching) from Le Bonheur Children's Medical Center
  
• Procedural prep, Courtney Hubbard from All Children's Hospital

For more information on child life, visit the child life council.

I Totally Get It

There was this book that came out in the early 90s, Colt, by Nancy Springer, about a 10 year old boy with spina bifida who is forced into a therapeutic riding program and ends up falling in love with the horses. On a tangent, the other day I was getting in the shower and started wondering why it's "therapeutic" riding and not an adaptive sport. Blind skiers, wheelchair track stars, murderball players, are all involved in "adaptive sports" not "therapeutic sports". Are we crip riders not athletes too?

Anyway, back to the book, possibly my all time FAVORITE book (no longer in print). I can't remember how many times I've read it. A crip kid who rides. HEAVEN.

In the beginning of the book Colt, the main character, gets wheeled against his will and plopped in front of a full size horse. Kind of right under his head. And he was scared. So scared he has a panic attack I guess.

My whole life I've always gone to the barn on foot. When I was little with a walker I rode teeny tiny ponies, when I was bigger, bigger horses. Since I was always standing, I was always taller then the horse's back. While I was scared when I was 3, they were never looming over me.

Last Monday was a GORGEOUS day. After snomagedden a month ago, I just had to get out. So I went to the barn. The barn located on another college's campus, only 2/3mi from me. All these years I've lived here, I've never gone over there. So I rolled there of course, a quick trip, and sat in one of the barns with a large horse's head looming over me from way down there.

And I got it. I could see how someone might be scared of horses when approaching them from that angle. They look so much bigger. Especially unfamiliar ones where you don't know their temperament. I could see how someone might be afraid of being whacked with a head or trampled with a hoof.

Never try to pet a horse you don't know, they might try to bite you if they happen to be a nasty horse. Or really scared of a wheelchair if they've never seen one before. One was scared of the clicking noise. So I didn't. I sat and looked up and talked to them until my neck hurt from looking up for so long.

It was a good day.

SO TRUE! (An Almost Wordless Wednesday)

A parody of a motivational poster series shows a girl that looks about 11 surrounded by 7 yellow lab pups. The caption says ANTIDEPRESSANT You're doin it right.

Found through the blog If you're Going Through Hell Keep Going

I'm 24 Going on 5 (a Wordless Wednesday Post)

Black Raspberry ice cream w/cool whip & reeses pieces in a green ice cream cone bowl with a pink ice cream cone spoon

Beware of the Cripples!!!!!

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!

I was going to post this about a month ago. It's applicable now more than ever. It seems as if I'm running into crips everywhere I go. I seemed to notice first on March 7th. I was at a pool for a friend's bachelorette party and saw TWO crips there. One was a girl w/down's and the other was a teen/young man with what I presume was CP with a decent cognitive impact to go along. He was there with his parents who were helping him in the water. His chair was by the side of the pool. Why anyone would put a custom monogrammed seating system in such a crappy manual chair is beyond me.

[image description: a cartoony stick figureish guy sitting in a manual chair in the grass w/some flowers and the sun on the top right w/eyes & a smile. the guy also has big eyes and a big smile & is waving his stick hand]

I've seen crips at the mall. A few weeks ago I had to make a purchase and saw two people signing to each other. That made me smile. I may have seen other crips that day. I don't remember. It's not like this is the first time I've ever seen other crips at the mall. I've seen crips in manual or powerchairs and scooters all the time at the mall. Once I saw a very small child using a walker. I think I knew him from when I used to volunteer at a local pediatric rehab hospital. I was too shy to go up and see. Tuesday I went to the mall to exchange what I bought a few weeks ago and AGAIN saw two people signing. Two different people, as they were black and the first two people were white. I also saw a man with CP walking through the food court and someone in a scooter coming out of a store.

I cut through a bookstore to get to/from the mall to avoid crossing lanes at a busy traffic circle. I know it's the law to stop for pedestrians, but it doesn't mean one day someone won't be fooling with the radio. I've seen crips in there before too, but there seems to be more in there lately. I saw one when I was in there after the mall, which was funny after all the crip sightings. I think it was the guy I ran into a few weeks ago in the cafe. He had wheeled from his apartment up the street and bought a newspaper to sit and read and I had picked up a copy of Voluntary Madness to read. It was funny how we approached there about the same time and both studied each other's chair intently. It started up a conversation wherein I felt a deep bond with this man I had never met before and who doesn't have a story anything like mine. It's the chair that bonds.

I see crips when I ride the bus of course. There's a guy (freshman I think) who lives in the building across from me who is an achondroplasic dwarf. For all I know I run into people with LDs, ADD and/or psyc issues all the time. It's easy to pass that way.Last week I saw crips at an art opening, but I went with crips and DUH it was Dan Keplinger's.

Lastly, as I already posted, I went to a wedding last weekend and was happy to see M there with her family. M is an autistic middle schooler who my friend used to PA for when she was in grad school. Her parents usually leave her home for things like this and use respite care funds. It was nice to see her there even if she could only tolerate the environment in little bits at a time (I'm guessing it was too loud and overstimulating).

I wonder why I'm seeing all these crips out now? Why I haven't noticed so many crips out and about before? I'm guessing it's because I'm getting involved with CDRC and ADAPT and am watching things like art opening and he's a crip. I was glad to finally see someone (not Dan) with the wheelchair color I think I want. The colors online look nothing like the swatches the distributer has, which look nothing like they do when the chair is made. I was nervous about getting it. Now I saw it.Hows Your News? and Table for 12 on TV. They bring things into consciousness. Or maybe we're contagious, spreading rapidly and wreaking havoc on society? (sorry if that joke offends, I think it's funny) Whatever the reason, I'm glad to notice. It makes me happy.

The Gym, New CDs, and Furry Creatures: They Do a Body Good

[image description: a woman holding a glass of milk with a milk mustache (rather sexually). The caption reads Milk does a body Good]

I apologize for the image, I was looking for something from the old ad campaign from the late 1980s/early 1990s (?) and I couldn't find one. I distinctly remember some commercial with a young teen boy standing in front of a mirror looking at himself but he was older and muscular. Anyway, I was trying to do a play on words with the post title and that ad campaign. Corny I know...

I'm freaking out right now. I always freak out at the beginning of the semester, but it seems that every semester it gets worse. Last semester I started having panic attacks but only during the day. This semester I started having them at night and was waking up repeatedly with horrible muscle spasms in my legs. I wanted to cut my legs off that night. I'm also having nightmares. That night nightmares about an upcoming 8-10pg paper were what was causing the panic attacks. Overall I am a complete and total wreck right now. I'm beginning to wonder if I have post traumatic stress from years and years of past school issues? I wouldn't have said so ever except the nightmares have me wondering...

But not last night. Last night I was in the best mood ever. Why? Because of the gym, new CDs and furry creatures. Oh yeah, and Monday afternoon I am finally getting a prescription for the SSRIs that I have been begging for for the last 14mos. I seriously want to kill her. Why she had to wait for things to get this bad I will never know. Do you know how fine I might be now if I had them 14mos ago? Maybe they won't make a difference at all, but maybe they will and we wasted all that time. I hope that she doesn't read this, decide I'm fine now and change her mind. Then I'm screwed.

When I did the last blog carnival (before this one, the Jan one) I said that blogging and art were therapeutic for me. While that was true, I realized that they are displacement activities (my shrink is going to be so proud of me that I figured this out all on my own). They calm me down and stop the panic attacks, but they really don't do anything to help me. They just push off what I have to do and don't make it go away. I just have to do it later. So I'll freak out again later. Yesterday I rediscovered better coping skills that I hadn't used in months.

I rediscovered the gym. I used to go to the gym all the time because I had 3 Drs that scared the crap out of me that if I didn't go and I used my chair too much I would stop walking and it would be irreversible. Like that would be the worst thing in the world ever... Not so I realized. What's so bad about being a full time chair user I started thinking? I've been blogging, and I joined ADAPT and the cross disability rights coalition (a local group) this summer. I'm interacting with TONS of full time chair users all the time now, and their lives aren't horrible. They're quite good in fact. So I stopped being afraid and I stopped going. My quality of life wouldn't get any worse, so why should I bother?

Well I should bother because it makes me feel really good. GREAT stress reliever. I went to the gym yesterday for the first time Since July. My favorite thing to do is run. And by "run" I mean 4.5mph which doesn't qualify as running by most people's standards, but you should see how sweaty I get. Unfortunately I am so out of shape that I can't run at all right now (or do push ups) but it'll come back. My CP doc keeps telling me not to run at all, that it's going to mess up my joints, but I don't care. The endorphins are AMAZING. And you know what? I realized that they are so amazing that I still would never care if I couldn't walk for the rest of my life and I became a full time chair user, But I would care if one day I could never run again. Does that make any sense at all? I love it that much and I was an idiot and stopped.

The next thing that I did was to ditch my Ipod Touch and go back to my tiny little shuffle. I think using the touch was making me paranoid. Second I bought the new Nickelback CD. You see, contrary to logic slow "calming" music doesn't do a thing for me. Music does A LOT for me, but only what I term "running music". I've been wanting to buy that CD for months, but I'm still computerless. You're supposed to be able to download music straight to the touch, but it wouldn't recognize my account info. When I'm really freaking I need something new. That first time I bought the Greys Season 3 CD and became absolutely addicted to the Ingrid Michaelson song.

By Friday not having a computer and not being able to download that, I consider an emergency. So after my shrink appt yesterday she very nicely let me borrow my powercord so that I could do so and also load on a mix CD I finally found. Took forever because I had to hand pick which songs to take off the shuffle (its only a 1 gig and was full) and then handpick the songs to put on. Also, I am such a crazy nut. I can't get wireless in her office, but I can get it outside. I considered it such an emergency that after my computer had charged enough to take it outside, I went out in the cold to download that CD. But I felt instantaneously better.

Lastly is the furry creatures thing. That wasn't a rediscovery. I've known what dogs can do for me since I was 13 and had surgery and met my first therapy dog. I've been begging for a dog for 9 or 10 years but my mom hates animals. That and I'm a slob.

The picture on the right is Oreo. He's a toy fox terrier and belongs to my best friend (I hope she doesn't mind I swiped this from her facebook). I LOVE that dog! I'll come over and I won't even be in the door and he attacks me. He gets SO excited to see me he jumps on me. He won't even let me take my coat off. But at this point Oreo knows the drill (still won't let me take my coat off though). I won't pet him standing up. He's too little, I'd have to bend too much and that's too difficult. If I ever do get my coat off it goes in the corner next to the couch and to calm him down I will sit on the couch immediately and pet him. At this point because he knows the drill, before I even turn around he's on the couch with his front paws on the arm just looking at me like "come on already!" Now I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't cheer up from that kind of love. Sometimes when I'm fuming mad at everyone over there and don't want to speak to them I'll still go over just to get my weekly dose of Oreo time.

Yesterday I had an extra special treat. My other friend got a 3mo old (rescue) kitten on Saturday. 2 furry creatures! After I got my music straightened out I went over and I was supposed to be helping make dinner. I did sort of. I got everything for the first dish in the pan and then it was boiling and I went "I'll be right back. There's a cat in this house!" and dashed into my other friend's room. I never did come back. The cat was stupid. She was sitting in the corner in a very inaccessible spot for me and if she had stayed there I would have sat on the bed and left her alone and just let her size me up. Instead she saw me and jumped on the bed. So I sat a bit away from her and approached her very slowly. I made friends with the kitty (Maya)! By the time I had to go eat she was snuggling with me and had even let me put my arms around her for a few minutes.

So not only was Greys AMAZING last night, but I managed to get sandwiched between Maya and Oreo! Maya curled up on her mommy's lap and then I was next to her and on my right was Oreo and next to him was his mommy. DOUBLE furry creature time! That'll tame anyone's anxiety (unless of course you're allergic). It was funny because I was petting Maya and Oreo's mom was getting jealous I was ignoring the dog. LOL so I used both hands simultaneously. SERIOUSLY. I couldn't have asked for more. I want a furry creature of my very own (and not a gerbil)!

This morning, well this morning I woke up anxious again about something different and after a bit, I went "you idiot" and grabbed my shuffle. I was fine within minutes and have managed to keep myself together all day. Although I don't know if I can ever take this off...

So, what does your body good?