I am not doing ok right at this exact moment. I am doing ok in general, in fact I am doing GREAT, just not RIGHT NOW at 4:53pm on Feb 16, 2010. Ask me at 6:53. I am what I call "buzzed" or "half manic" as I termed it Friday to laughing bipolar friends (what's wrong with that?). No, I am not hypo-manic, trust me, I know what that feels like. This is "medicated." I might be worried about becoming hypo-manic if I didn't know exactly what this is from, if I didn't know that I really could feel fine at 6:53, but I do.
My brain is just a little over keyed up and instead of allowing me to be mellow, to crawl into bed with my Grey's Anatomy DVDs that I've watched so many times I can now recite lines of several episodes in advance, my brain is insisting that I do something, that I go for a run (which I cannot do as I had to abandon my chair at school, but that's another story), that I at least walk around to burn off this energy, that watch more of Therese Borchard's vlogs (video blogs), and that I post about them. What can I do but oblige? Ignoring this state will only make me irritable. So I have put on music, started writing and I am happy to report that I am already getting my brain back in order. The person who gave me a caffeinated diet coke 3hrs ago should consider buying decaf. I know 100% it's the culprit.
says you: What does this have to do with security blankets?says me: Nothing and something. You will see the connection below, but I also write more when my brain is like this, wanted to keep a written record of my state of mind, and thought some people might like to know more about how BP is for me. Sometimes it's ok to mix caffeine with my meds, other times it is NOT.
So onto security blankets. You know, not actual blankets, but the concept. I've been wearing mine all day, I've been thinking about them all day, and then I happened upon Therese's vlog and decided I should write about this now as opposed to when I cover her anxiety vlog. To me a security item is not something that envelopes you and gives you comfort, but an anchor as weight watchers likes to call it. Something that steadies you when you are unsteady, straightens out your brain when it is crooked (like now, see, it all connects).
I have different anchors for different mood states or situations. Sometimes I need my stuffed clydesdale if I do need comforting / tactile sensory input, sometimes I need fast music if my brain is jumpy / too fast (like right now) and requires auditory sensory input, and sometimes I need an ADAPT t-shirt and/or an orange shirt and/or my "ugly orange hat" (like today).
I've never been able to explain the fast music thing until now. I just realized what I am doing, and it is GENIUS. Wouldn't slow music be more calming, you're thinking? Nope. I think my brain calms down because I am in a sense turning over my hypo-manic / half manic state and/or anxiety to an outside force in a sense. I am letting go of it; responding to it proactively as opposed to reactively; acknowledging both that the feelings / state is there and that they don't belong in my brain as I'm supposed to be balanced, but that this is still a part of me that isn't going away. So I upload it to another server in a sense (if you understand computer language), my ipod, and free up gigabytes in my brain that could be better used for something else. See? GENIUS!
What I thought I would be talking about in this post before it became all over the place (like my brain) were my ADAPT t-shirts. I am wearing one right now over my long sleeve orange shirt under a zipper hoodie (FYI, the GAP has been carrying tons of styles of shirts, sweaters, and hoodies in exact CCA orange!), was wearing the same shirts to the budget hearings yesterday (I made sure not to sleep in them), and will be wearing a different one tomorrow, even though it is 30 degrees out. I have 6.
The simple act of wearing a t-shirt makes me feel like I can conquer the world! The simple act of wearing a t-shirt makes me feel like a competent, confident, POWERFUL, successful person, which I very often do not. In certain situations it actually positively changes people's reactions / perceptions of me. ADAPT shirts help me focus on the things that I am good at instead of my many failures. They remind me that I am part of a greater force then myself alone, that I make a difference, that I am just as important as anyone else, and that the world, ADAPT as an organization, is better off because I am me, I am passionate, and I am there. That is true for every ADAPTer. Even just the color orange (the unofficial official color of ADAPT) helps my confidence greatly, often to the point where I can easily push my anxieties aside and charge through a stressful situation knowing that I will come out on the other side in one piece. If I have to rotate my shirts and wear them every single day that I am in class, I will. You cannot control me; you do not actually, really, hold my fate in your hands. I do. And I will not allow you to posses my power anymore.