I'm Tired

I’m tired of being tired
I’m tired of having to fight all the time
I’m tired of having to struggle
I’m tired of not being in control
I’m tired of trying to be in control
I’m tired of being patronized
I’m tired of having to cover my bases
I’m conflicted and I’m tired of that
I’m pissed off

I want to not care but I have to care
Having to care is tiring
But who would care for me?
I wish I wasn’t so damn smart
I feel like I’m starting to “get it”
But then I have to do something about “it”
Doing something makes me tired
I can’t not do something
So then what do I do?

I want to and don’t want to be an adult
I hate my mom for making me so aggressive
It takes too much effort to be happy
That of course makes me tired
I need a househusband

I’m tired of being behind
Catching up makes me tired
Life is so much harder being tired all the time
I’m tired of being driven
I’m tired of these god damn meds

Life is so much easier when you don’t focus on how you function
Life is so much easier when you’re on an even playing field
Having to measure up to others is exhausting
How can I possibly be better then everyone else when I’m inherently inferior to begin with?

Being tired just plain sucks because it invades my life
I HATE being tired
But if I’ve always been tired why does it bother me so much?
Because being tired holds me back
And being tired potentially causes physical pain
And being utterly exhausted is the only thing that is guaranteed to make me cry

But I don’t cry
I laugh
But when I’m this tired I can’t laugh
I can’t do anything but cry
Who wants to cry all the time?
For that matter who wants to be tired all the time?

I don’t want to be tired all the time
But if I wasn’t tired that would be giving up
I can’t give up
Because what would happen then?
What would that say about me?
Giving in is absolutely not an option
Isn’t it funny how not giving in but being realistic seem so diametrically opposed?

Man I wish I had all the answers
Having answers saves energy
To be captain obvious, saving energy means I’m not as tired
Not being tired is good
It is the Holy Grail

Not being tired is like a mirage in the middle of a desert island
But it isn’t going to happen
And again, that just totally sucks
It makes me want to cry—
Being stuck between a rock and a hard place with no way out other then flat out giving up
Which I can’t do