The Gym, New CDs, and Furry Creatures: They Do a Body Good

[image description: a woman holding a glass of milk with a milk mustache (rather sexually). The caption reads Milk does a body Good]

I apologize for the image, I was looking for something from the old ad campaign from the late 1980s/early 1990s (?) and I couldn't find one. I distinctly remember some commercial with a young teen boy standing in front of a mirror looking at himself but he was older and muscular. Anyway, I was trying to do a play on words with the post title and that ad campaign. Corny I know...

I'm freaking out right now. I always freak out at the beginning of the semester, but it seems that every semester it gets worse. Last semester I started having panic attacks but only during the day. This semester I started having them at night and was waking up repeatedly with horrible muscle spasms in my legs. I wanted to cut my legs off that night. I'm also having nightmares. That night nightmares about an upcoming 8-10pg paper were what was causing the panic attacks. Overall I am a complete and total wreck right now. I'm beginning to wonder if I have post traumatic stress from years and years of past school issues? I wouldn't have said so ever except the nightmares have me wondering...

But not last night. Last night I was in the best mood ever. Why? Because of the gym, new CDs and furry creatures. Oh yeah, and Monday afternoon I am finally getting a prescription for the SSRIs that I have been begging for for the last 14mos. I seriously want to kill her. Why she had to wait for things to get this bad I will never know. Do you know how fine I might be now if I had them 14mos ago? Maybe they won't make a difference at all, but maybe they will and we wasted all that time. I hope that she doesn't read this, decide I'm fine now and change her mind. Then I'm screwed.

When I did the last blog carnival (before this one, the Jan one) I said that blogging and art were therapeutic for me. While that was true, I realized that they are displacement activities (my shrink is going to be so proud of me that I figured this out all on my own). They calm me down and stop the panic attacks, but they really don't do anything to help me. They just push off what I have to do and don't make it go away. I just have to do it later. So I'll freak out again later. Yesterday I rediscovered better coping skills that I hadn't used in months.

I rediscovered the gym. I used to go to the gym all the time because I had 3 Drs that scared the crap out of me that if I didn't go and I used my chair too much I would stop walking and it would be irreversible. Like that would be the worst thing in the world ever... Not so I realized. What's so bad about being a full time chair user I started thinking? I've been blogging, and I joined ADAPT and the cross disability rights coalition (a local group) this summer. I'm interacting with TONS of full time chair users all the time now, and their lives aren't horrible. They're quite good in fact. So I stopped being afraid and I stopped going. My quality of life wouldn't get any worse, so why should I bother?

Well I should bother because it makes me feel really good. GREAT stress reliever. I went to the gym yesterday for the first time Since July. My favorite thing to do is run. And by "run" I mean 4.5mph which doesn't qualify as running by most people's standards, but you should see how sweaty I get. Unfortunately I am so out of shape that I can't run at all right now (or do push ups) but it'll come back. My CP doc keeps telling me not to run at all, that it's going to mess up my joints, but I don't care. The endorphins are AMAZING. And you know what? I realized that they are so amazing that I still would never care if I couldn't walk for the rest of my life and I became a full time chair user, But I would care if one day I could never run again. Does that make any sense at all? I love it that much and I was an idiot and stopped.

The next thing that I did was to ditch my Ipod Touch and go back to my tiny little shuffle. I think using the touch was making me paranoid. Second I bought the new Nickelback CD. You see, contrary to logic slow "calming" music doesn't do a thing for me. Music does A LOT for me, but only what I term "running music". I've been wanting to buy that CD for months, but I'm still computerless. You're supposed to be able to download music straight to the touch, but it wouldn't recognize my account info. When I'm really freaking I need something new. That first time I bought the Greys Season 3 CD and became absolutely addicted to the Ingrid Michaelson song.

By Friday not having a computer and not being able to download that, I consider an emergency. So after my shrink appt yesterday she very nicely let me borrow my powercord so that I could do so and also load on a mix CD I finally found. Took forever because I had to hand pick which songs to take off the shuffle (its only a 1 gig and was full) and then handpick the songs to put on. Also, I am such a crazy nut. I can't get wireless in her office, but I can get it outside. I considered it such an emergency that after my computer had charged enough to take it outside, I went out in the cold to download that CD. But I felt instantaneously better.

Lastly is the furry creatures thing. That wasn't a rediscovery. I've known what dogs can do for me since I was 13 and had surgery and met my first therapy dog. I've been begging for a dog for 9 or 10 years but my mom hates animals. That and I'm a slob.

The picture on the right is Oreo. He's a toy fox terrier and belongs to my best friend (I hope she doesn't mind I swiped this from her facebook). I LOVE that dog! I'll come over and I won't even be in the door and he attacks me. He gets SO excited to see me he jumps on me. He won't even let me take my coat off. But at this point Oreo knows the drill (still won't let me take my coat off though). I won't pet him standing up. He's too little, I'd have to bend too much and that's too difficult. If I ever do get my coat off it goes in the corner next to the couch and to calm him down I will sit on the couch immediately and pet him. At this point because he knows the drill, before I even turn around he's on the couch with his front paws on the arm just looking at me like "come on already!" Now I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't cheer up from that kind of love. Sometimes when I'm fuming mad at everyone over there and don't want to speak to them I'll still go over just to get my weekly dose of Oreo time.

Yesterday I had an extra special treat. My other friend got a 3mo old (rescue) kitten on Saturday. 2 furry creatures! After I got my music straightened out I went over and I was supposed to be helping make dinner. I did sort of. I got everything for the first dish in the pan and then it was boiling and I went "I'll be right back. There's a cat in this house!" and dashed into my other friend's room. I never did come back. The cat was stupid. She was sitting in the corner in a very inaccessible spot for me and if she had stayed there I would have sat on the bed and left her alone and just let her size me up. Instead she saw me and jumped on the bed. So I sat a bit away from her and approached her very slowly. I made friends with the kitty (Maya)! By the time I had to go eat she was snuggling with me and had even let me put my arms around her for a few minutes.

So not only was Greys AMAZING last night, but I managed to get sandwiched between Maya and Oreo! Maya curled up on her mommy's lap and then I was next to her and on my right was Oreo and next to him was his mommy. DOUBLE furry creature time! That'll tame anyone's anxiety (unless of course you're allergic). It was funny because I was petting Maya and Oreo's mom was getting jealous I was ignoring the dog. LOL so I used both hands simultaneously. SERIOUSLY. I couldn't have asked for more. I want a furry creature of my very own (and not a gerbil)!

This morning, well this morning I woke up anxious again about something different and after a bit, I went "you idiot" and grabbed my shuffle. I was fine within minutes and have managed to keep myself together all day. Although I don't know if I can ever take this off...

So, what does your body good?

Happy/Sad Sunday on Tuesday

I couldn't post on Sunday because I was totally preoccupied with Oreo and Maya. It's so cute. Maya, who remember is only 3mos old, has gotten used to Oreo and wants to play with him, but every time she tries to pounce on him he runs away. Oreo grew up with cats for years. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Anyway, I really wanted to post this because I really want to start something. Did anyone else do a happy/sad post on Sunday? Post your link in the comments.

I'm happy because for the first time in 2.5 weeks I slept without the use of any drugs!!! I'm a bit perky today.

I'm sad because I woke up with a scratchy throat this morning which means I caught Sara's nursing home germs (she does feeding therapy, thus putting her hands in other people's mouths all day and getting sick all the time). On Thurs I am going to have a full blown cold.

I'm sad because I was sad all weekend.


I'm happy because I got to spend most of the weekend with Maya and Oreo.

I'm happy because I have great friends and all my nasty drugs got out of my system.

I'm happy because I'm HAPPY now.


I'm happy because my Senior seminar prof got switched without me even asking. Thank g-d!!!! She's not anal retentive

I'm happy because I got up early enough to get free brunch at Hillel and even had someone to walk (roll?) there with

I'm happy because I get free spa services on Fri. The place where my trainer works/I get my hair cut up here is having an open house at 7pm (for locals, FX studios)

I'm sad because although I can get there for free because they (as well as where I am coming from) are very close to the lightrail, it will take 2x as long to get there then it would in a cab. Why the hell did they have to slash the program?

On Facebook & Dogs

I read an article yesterday about a guy who was having asthma attacks brought on by Facebook. Think what you will. The comments to that article are interesting. Facebook is making me depressed. Well it is not making me depressed, but it sure isn't helping the depression I am already in.

There are two reasons for this. The first is everyone whose names are changing. I'm 25. It's developmentally appropriate to be getting married. I have been to two weddings of peers a few years ago. I however have yet to have my first kiss. Forget about marriage. I have no desire to be married until I am 40. I'll move at my own pace. While on many levels I am quite fine with this, seeing people's names changing left and right (I don't care if I haven't actually spoken to them in a decade) is making me feel inadequate.

The second reason is this thing they've got going on the "remember this?" pictures or "look at your friends' pictures" or whatever facebook is actually calling it, where pictures pop up on the side of the screen that may be from as far back as 2006. If that seems like a long time ago I was an early facebook adopter from way back when a university email address was required to join.

Most of the pictures that are popping up are from/of friends that I am no longer friends with. That I have not talked to in 13mos. They're from good times mostly, although, as I now have to constantly remind myself, about 2/3 of the length of our friendship wasn't all that good. Every few months I do check their profiles and I do think of them from time to time, but it's the pictures of my friend's dog [not the dog in this post] that are really getting to me. I LOVED that dog, and he loved me. It's a good thing I lost all of my friends' phone numbers when I lost my last phone in a snow pile during snomagedden, I might just text someone for an Oreo visit. Which would be the wrong thing to do, to use someone just for their dog, as my therapist felt the need to remind me over an email yesterday.

So now facebook has got me thinking about dogs again, like Lexi over here to the left who I found on petfinder.com this afternoon. She reminds me a lot of Oreo. The look of her. I shouldn't have been looking at dogs for adoption, this is making me more depressed. I can't have a dog. I can't afford a dog. I don't know the first thing about taking care of a dog. But a dog would benefit my recovery SO MUCH. Mom, you know it's true. Lexi, fortunately for both her and me, over the course of just a few hours, is no longer up for adoption. When I went to petfinder a few hours later I got a "the pet you are trying to find is no longer listed" message. So I should get the idea of her out of my head. But I can't. I wasn't going to adopt her anyway, realistically.

I am going with 2 friends Tuesday to a local animal shelter in the hope that pretending I'm looking for a dog and spending time with dogs will make my urge to actually have a dog, own a dog, lesson, and not make it worse. Cross your fingers for me. Please. If it gets worse I don't know what I'll do. I fantasize about having a job and what I'll be able to spend my money on. These things aren't luxuries, just alternative ways to aid in my recovery. To be able to have personal trainer and a massage therapist again. Some acupuncture sessions. A way to get to horseback riding lessons. For some reason a dog wasn't on this list.

A dog needs to be on this list. Although I don't know how my mom will feel about still having to pay my rent while I'm paying vet bills. I fantasize about working part time for a non-profit. I may never be self-supporting, although I know plenty of people who do just fine on public benefits alone. I shouldn't knock it.

My one major question though, the thing I can't see a way around, is how to get my dog to the vet. I'm sure there are plenty of people in this world with pets that don't have cars. How do they get them to the vet? You're not allowed to take pets on the bus, paratransit, in cabs, only service animals and I'm not looking at getting a service dog, I'm looking at an emotional support animal. Do I have to get a vest and masquerade my dog as a service dog in order to get to the vet? That doesn't seem right...

More on Service Dogs

Sunday's service dog post had me pineing for a service dog again. I've been pineing for a service dog for the last decade. I'd never heard of service dogs, only seeing eye dogs, but then I saw a Dateline story and there was a little person who had a tiny dog that would do things like hop inside the dryer and grab clothes from the back cause, well, little people have short arms. "How COOL" I thought. Jokingly out loud I said "I want one!" But like really, what do I need a service dog for? I can open my own doors, grab my own laundry, stand up and flick my own light switch. A dog can't help me get awkward things out of the oven or hoist giant bags of dirty laundry onto my lap to take downstairs.

[image description: 4 service dogs around a wheelchair]

Strangely, not long after (in 9th grade) my physiatrist brought up the service dog discussion unprompted. Lists can be as long as 5 years if you don't have an emergent need and she suggested a dog would be helpful in college.

Says you: for what??? You just said you don't need any help.
Says me: to carry my books.

For reasons I'd rather not discuss putting my name on a list was a no go for my mom. People have suggested putting my name on a list behind her back cause I wouldn't have to deal with the ramifications for 5 years, but it's something I just cannot do.

A dog could carry heavy things for me, but I just put them on the back of the chair. A dog could give me much needed daily exercise, or I could be lazy and walk it in the chair. At the very least I'd have to get dressed and go outside daily. A dog could help me get up if I fall outside where there is no furniture to assist, but that doesn't happen often. A dog could help me up curbs, or I could just walk to a curb cut or lean on a random person's car. A dog could help me pick things up from the floor when I'm standing, or I could just sit down to grab it. I don't have an emergent need for a dog.

I'm not saying I don't need a dog, I need a dog desperately. Just not a trained service dog. I feel like I'd be wasting highly trained skills that someone else needs more. I need a dog because I'm very often mildly to moderately depressed. I wouldn't be depressed if I had a dog to come home to everyday. Anyone who's ever seen me with Oreo can vouch for that. He runs to the door even before I am there. He can hear me from the hall. He doesn't even let me sit or get my coat off before jumping on me. The second I sit on the couch he becomes glued to me. Who wouldn't feel better? I once had to have an incredibly difficult conversation and he calmed my nerves. When I was even more then moderately depressed, he stayed on the couch for hours while I practically layed on top of him (it was too much effort to even sit up). He just knew. If I ever got a service dog I'd have to get a big one to do more physical tasks. What I want is a small dog to curl up on my chest while I lay on the couch after a bad day or ride around on my lap in the chair. Oreo is 8lbs. Perfect.

This brings me to the topic of psychiatric service dogs. I don't have social anxiety, PTSD, or agoraphobia. I'm very rarely very depressed. When my panic attacks and nightmares start again it would be a g-d send to have a dog by my side, but that isn't all the time. I don't know what training for a psychiatric service dog is, what it entails. I don't know if I need one. My building allows cats but not dogs. There is a seeing eye dog that's lived here for years. It'd be illegal to deny one. I can't afford a dog, but Canine Assistants provides help for food and vet bills.

I pine for a dog.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful because...

• it has been raining like everyday and we need rain. We were heading into a drought.
• it is going to stop raining in time for the weekend. Won't ruin my plans.
• we had a GORGEOUS weekend last weekend as well.
• there are books about crips in this world. Enough said.
• there are people in this world who get it. Disability is cultural and there is a community.
• I got botox Monday.
• I have an iPod to help me fall asleep at night
• I am stronger than my benzos and didn't ask for a refill yesterday even though I only have one left.
• I had a nice unexpected dinner with a friend 2 days in a row.
• There is a new episode of Grey's tonight after 2 weeks of old ones. Not only that but I get to see Oreo!

[image description: rain cloud]

Mad Pride, Medication & Emotional Support Animals

It all started at the very end of my shrink appointment Tuesday. I'm going to come right out in the open and admit that I've been having serious compliance issues with my meds for a very long time now. So she says (in a non threatening way, completely in passing) "Maybe I should threaten to not treat you. It seemed to work the last time." To which I said "What if I went all mad pride and had a strong philosophical belief against taking meds?" Also, I disagree with her in that although it did work it was very temporarily. I left it at that as I was walking out the door. But I didn't end the thoughts in my head. I chewed on it for hours. I have a stop forced drugging logo on my right sidebar (which leads to http://www.stopforcenow.org ). And I believe that. I don't believe in treatment by way of coersion, which, if I thought she was even the least bit serious, that would be.

I am pro-choice on the medication front. I agree with the Icarus Project that people need to do what works for them. I don't agree with forced treatment. I don't agree with conventional medical beliefs that seem to say that there is a right and a wrong way to cure this "disease," probably because I very strongly believe that I do not have a disease. I don't want that stigma placed on me. In no way am I saying that anyone I come in contact with personally has placed this stigma on me (well not entirely true, there is one person); I feel I need the disclaimer. It's society at large that does this.

I remember the first time I was decently suicidal. I was shrink shopping and having admitted the extent of my noncompliance issues in the past was told by every single one of them that they refused to see me unmedicated. I don't agree with that and in fact now that I'm getting involved in human rights I find it unethical. From what I understand (I got this from an episode of Private Practice) the American Academy of Pediatrics has taken a stance that Drs should not abandon patients whose parents have chosen not to vaccinate. Where is this different? To me, choosing not to vaccinate is dangerous in that it is potentially putting hundreds of children at risk for death from a measles outbreak. Especially children who are imunosuppressed. Choosing not to medicate does not carry that risk. It just so happens that I begged for drugs anyway. I've never really wanted to die (similarly to this, but different in that I've never experienced trauma) so I'd rather not feel like I do. But this was my choice. Again, I am pro-choice.

Medication is just one tool that a person can take or leave when seeking to achieve their own version of balance. But there are many others, like dogs. I've got dogs on the brain again. I don't know how they came up on the drive back from DC on Saturday, I think K brought it up, but we both believe Autism Speaks' gazillion dollars would be better spent on buying kids autism service dogs. We also believe that human health insurance should pay for service dogs as well as vet bills for service dogs at the same reimbursement rate as human doctor visits and/or DME. The pay for powerchairs and powerchair repairs. By extension...

Dogs also came up Monday night with a friend of mine and in my train of thought about Mad Pride. I suspect that if I had a dog and if I was running and if I was doing other things I know I should do I would not need medication. I do not know for fact as I've never had a dog, but from Oreo I do know I would at the very least be able to lower my dosages. However, at the moment I do not have a dog and I do not run and so regardless of tactics I happen to agree with absolutely everyone that I should be taking my meds right now.

[image description: 4 puppies in the grass]

These periodically reoccurring thoughts coupled with Monday nights conversation prompted me to finally look up what a psychiatric service dog does. How is one different from a mobility / seeing eye / hearing /seizure / autism dog? What I found is that there is such a thing as an emotional support animal. Emotional support animals (ESA) are NOT trained anymore then a regular pet dog but with documentation from a doctor or ANY licensed mental health professional you would be covered by the federal housing laws, dept of justice, and dept of transportation. (links to Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law) So you cannot be discriminated against when renting or flying on a plane. However you are not covered under title III of the ADA, public accommodations. So you can't bring an ESA into a supermarket for example. For that you need a trained psychiatric service dog.

What is the difference between a trained psychiatric service dog and an ESA? What's distinguishing? Read this GREAT article. It's something to think about...

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful because...

• I refilled my baclofen last week
• I have the new U2 CD and iPods
• I helped 2 friends to cope this past week. If only I could d0 that for myself...
• I had a GREAT weekend and can finally hang out w/my friends w/o any pent up hostility. I let it all go...
• I have great plans set up for next weekend too
• Oreo is in love w/me :-)
• it is an easy roll to get more deoderant after I realize I've run out of it. Rolling is free...
• my chair has never died on me no matter how far I roll. The battery meter has been questionable...
• it has been VERY warm lately. 75 on Sunday and in the 60's yesterday
• I lost my wallet on Saturday but I have business cards in the front & someone found it & called me & is holding it for me to pick up later today

[image description: red heart that looks like it was done out of paint, with thankful written in cursive inside the heart towards the left]

A Very Late Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful because...

• I am home
• and I am breathing
• and I am calm (for now).
  
• although I fell yesterday while barefoot & my toe still hurts, it is not broken. It would hurt like a mother f--- and be really nasty looking.
• it looks like I have some new friends.
• I updated my txting plan a few months ago and all the crazy tweeting from Atlanta won't put me over for the month. So far I have sent 56 and received 295!
• I found $3 crumpled up in a newly washed pair of jeans.
• at least my apartment is easy for paratransit to find.
  
• of Oreo.
• I will see some old friends tomorrow.
• we were VICTORIOUS in Atlanta!

Quote for the week is yesterday's status update: Goveners Office? CHECK! hhs/ocr? CHECK! hud? CHECK! cnn? CHECK! We KICK ASS!

[the middle brick in the photo above says ADAPT USA. It's from a park in Atlanta. I don't know how long it's been there]