I'm Obsessed with Walking

I have 2 therapists (LCSW-C & an LCPC intern) and a psychiatrist. I discussed my poem with both my therapists this week and will be discussing it with my psychiatirst Mon afternoon. Unfortunately I hadn't been to my main therapist since Valentine's Day so we really couldn't go into it in depth. It was more of here's all of the crap that's been happening. To go off on a tangent, today was one of the best days ever, but that is the subject of another blog post. Anyway, all we had time for were a few "What exactly do you mean by..." One of which was "I'm tired of not being in control." Well, I said, I don't want to do an $8000 overhaul of my wheelchair. I don't want it. I don't want it at work. But if I want to/have to do a placement in a trauma hospital then I have no choice. I have to have a placement at one of the 2 trauma hospitals in Baltimore because my school won't let me go anywhere else. I voluntered at one hospital for a year and a half, and last semester I did a small placement at another. They are my only 2 choices left. So what am I going to do? I also didn't have control over 4 of the 7 surgeries I've had. Well 3 out of the 4 of those didn't work at all and all 3 of those I was VERY vocal about not wanting, but I was 10 and 17, so tough luck. The 3 I wanted worked for the most part.

I realized soon after I left that I am obsessed with walking. I keep saying this (I know I've said it in more than one blog post) but I didn't spend my childhood in a hospital being pulled apart and put back together to use a wheelchair everyday at work. I feel misled. Also, I had several doctors scare the crap out of me 5 years ago. Even with all those surgeries, if I start to use the chair too much at work my muscles will atrophy to the point of me not being able to walk at all. Not only that, but even 6 weeks of hanging mostly around my house sitting on my butt will result in trouble walking. So doctors don't have to tell me this. Either from my powerchair or sitting on my butt, I've experianced this several times. Thankfully 6 weeks doesn't do permanent damage.

Also (I think I've mentioned this in a previous blog post or 2 as well) I learned to walk 3 times. As I said to my therapist, walking is supposed to be something you just do. It's not something that should take this much effort. I realized after I left, that in some sense I am consumed with walking. It is something I think about every day. I'm not sure that's healthy. In a sense being active is a good thing for anyone, but often I push myself to the point of feeling like the walking dead at the end of the day. Very often. I am that affraid of one day not being able to walk.

I'm also concerned about my weight. The first thing I do every morning after I pee is step on my scale. Extra weight will put extra stress on my joints, and who wants that? To put this in reference, I am 5'1.5". If I ever saw 130lb I would be utterly besides myself. A few times at one point I saw 129.8 and while I wasn't happy, 130 would still be much worse. I prefer to be no more then 120. I went a long while disappointed with myself because I was 125-128 and then I discovered that if I come home feeling like the walking dead several times a week I can eat all the junk I want and maintain around 118. I'm not sure that's healthy either, but thinking about my weight everyday is also permanently ingrained in my being. Just to put everyone at ease, while I was in high school my mom asked an LCSW-C and 2 different PhDs whether I had an eating disorder. They all said no, since my concern stems from CP issues (walking). She was still convinced even after all three of them said no. Also, I am absolutly loving 118 and have no intention of going lower. 118 is perfectly healthy for my height. But maybe in a sense they were all wrong? Maybe I have a "walking disorder." Too bad you can't look that up in the DSM IV-TR.

To stem off of something the intern said on Monday, think of all of the energy I spend being so concerned about being able to walk. Then think about what else I could be using that energy for. It just doesn't make sense. Except, I think that I was raised with such an emphasis being placed on walking, with surgery and therapy and what not, that I'm not sure if I can concieve of even attempting to refocus that energy. Going back to the poem, which I spent more extensive time talking about with the intern, there are several other things in there that I'm tired with that stem from my childhood. It almost seems as if I have to overhaul myself in order to become a contented person. It's a daunting task.

If only it didn't seem like such a catch-22. Walking so much makes me so tired (HELLO, "walking dead"). I know I would be a lot less tired if I didn't walk so much but then maybe I wouldn't walk ever again. I would feel like I was admitting defeat.