It Just Can't be That Easy

Today I woke up and I was fine. Well not "fine" fine, but I'm definitely back to "functionally non-functional." What did I do? Nothing that qualifies as rocket science. I have these rules that I've been coming up with as I go and they seem very logical to me.

Last Tuesday I felt like I'd spent the whole day in bed, even though it had just been since about 4pm. I had had this thing about how only pathetic people take naps, therefore forced myself with all my willpower to stay up and out, and that's as far as I got, 4pm.

So then at some point I decided that I can lay in bed all day one day, that was OK, but not 2 days in a row. That is NOT ok. I felt like I was going to waste away. So sometime between 4pm and whenever I went to bed I arranged to meet someone at the gym the next day at 9:30. What did I do? I hauled ass in the morning and made it there before she did. Then I went home and took a nap. Naps have now been sanctified as OK, as not pathetic, so that is what I did. Then when I got up I took a SHOWER (wow) and got my ass out again. While it is now OK to take a nap during the day, it is NOT ok to then spend the rest of the day in bed after that. That is my rule.

I also have this rule that I have to eat a minimum of twice a day, but there's no contingent of nutritional value. So I had chicken fingers and french fries for lunch and pumpkin pudding and ice cream for dinner. That still counts as twice. After OOO I felt kind of guilty that I had ice cream for dinner, so I zaped something from the freezer. That makes 3 times.

Thursday I made it to class early, and yes, I did go home straight from there and spend time in bed, but after I got food delivered and force fed myself in bed, I did somehow convince myself to leave again. I don't know how, but that was the day the rule got solidifed.

Friday I got up and attempted to get dressed, which I did, but it wore me out so much I had to crawl back in bed for a bit. That's OK though too because although I again took a nap in the middle of the day, I made it out to 2 places. But I only ate once :-(

Yesterday, yesterday was kind of bad. It took me until after 1pm to get up, and even after that, I couldn't make myself get dressed in real clothes. That's when you know it's really bad. But you know what? After I got out finally I felt so much better I stayed out until after 8. I have this new rule that staying in bed half a day (complete with a nap) is OK, but then I have to spend the other half out. Logical. And I actually did (shocker). So I was in PJ pants. Who cares. I was out.

Today I woke up and felt like the concrete was gone. It was that easy. How can it be that easy? It can't. All I did was drag my ass outside in the sun and make sure I took my meds. Which is something I never do when I'm depressed. I never take them. I don't feel like I'm out of the woods yet, I'm far from it (there's still a lagging exhaustion), but I can think again, and I can write again, and I think I'll shower today and put on real clothes. And maybe run.

All I did is I just kept telling myself that I am better then this, that I don't deserve this -- I deserve better then this -- and that I can be better then this. I know I can, because before this episode hit me like a ton of bricks I was better then this. I kept telling myself I wasn't giving in this time.

It can't be this easy can it? Willpower (from where, I have no clue), meds, some positive self talk, and finding friends that won't lecture me for not showering or make me feel inferior, and will let me invade their apartment so I can try to pry my eyes open there :D