Most of the time I like the fact that I'm crazy. I may quibble over the labels in my head -- am I really bipolar, or am I just depressed? Is my anxiety a seperate thing all together, or a package deal? -- but I generally like myself. Or at least I generally accept myself. That's not to say I don't set goals, don't want to be a better person, but I've always been at peace with my disabilities. Ask me as a kid if I could take a pill that'd cure my CP would I? And I don't think I've ever in my life said yes. I've been asked this question many times.
I've never said either out loud or in my head that I didn't want to have CP anymore. Maybe I wished I could do things like jump rope, but that's not the same thing. If someone told me I'd have to give up my disability to do it, I'm almost certain I would have said no. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I must have been 6 at the time. Somehow I've always known I'm a package deal.
What's this got to do with being crazy? Well sometimes I get so consumed by crazy, that I let out a sigh and/or an ARGH or a GAAAAHHHHH!!! in my head. Sometimes I say "Why do I have to be this crazy? I HATE BEING CRAZY!"
And then a half-second later I say "Don't say that! You don't hate being crazy!" Please tell me I'm not the only person that talks to herself in her head in the 3rd person...
What sparked this post was I was wondering to myself, why do I chastise myself? Who cares if I decide I hate being crazy? Why do I care? Because if I do truly hate being crazy, then I hate being me, and that's the worst thing to hate. I guess I somehow knew that when I was 6.
So then what do I hate? I hate being consumed by crazy. I hate when my crazy becomes overwhelming. I hate that my crazy holds me back from doing what I want to do, while at the same time I do realize the opportunities it's giving me.
I'm at odds as to whether this is ok. Whether hating these things is the same or different then hating the crazy in and of itself. They're not concrete things to hate like jump ropes. If it is the same thing as hating my crazy, then it's not ok. It's not ok to hate yourself. You're stuck with yourself 24/7.
Is it wrong that I wish my life wasn't so hard, so frustrating, because of my crazy? I don't know, but I do.
1 comments:
This sounds a bit like my relationship with my particular brand of neuro-atypicality. I'm used to my ADHD tendencies, they've shaped the way I've interacted with the world all my life and I wouldn't want to wake up one morning with an entirely different brain. But sometimes I've wished I was better at being organized.
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