VICTORY!!!

I thought briefly of not posting this account, because actually, thinking about this now the people in question could be reading this. Although doubtful, I do know they have read before. However, I am bursting with pride and that outweighs my reservation. That and I think I can be vague enough not to identify them on the internet.

I have irrational anxiety issues that have grown slowly over the years to the point where the impact reached its peak 2 years ago. My panic attacks manifest themselves in severe pain (CP + panic sucks) and this has resulted in me desperately trying various benzodiazepines, sleeping pills, SSRIs, OTC meds, all having nasty side effects of extreme drowsyness and/or suicidality and/or nightmares. I settled on some low dose baclofen and a significant increase in botox, which I think I no longer need but am afraid to give up.

My panic sets in when confronted with people. People who may or may not in reality have any issue with me, but whom I imagine have major issue with me. People in authority. People in authority are intimidating and scary to many people, but I tended to take it to the extreme, having nightmares and panic attacks about them in my sleep and avoiding them at all costs, even if it was to my extreme detriment. One of my worst ever panic attacks (it's in the top 4) occurred when I was in the same room with someone who had no interaction with me. There were 100+ people in the room and she was on the other side.

I have really noticed a decrease in my anxiety during 2010, to the point where I really almost did decline 3 of my 8 botox shots last week. I'm "fine"; I haven't had a panic attack since late April (YAY!!!). My thoughts are still there, I haven't become magically freed of my issues with authority figures, but this fear no longer rules my life.

Tuesday I attended a meeting specifically because I expected 1 of 2 people would be there, both of whom are guaranteed to increase my anxiety. This time my anxieties are based somewhat in reality, however at this point I could choose to have no interaction with either of them without consequence. I attended though because their opinion of me (I'm not inside their heads, who knows what they think) doesn't matter anymore (it um, actually mattered quite a bit not all that long ago). They will have no impact on my life; they will not keep me from doing what I want to do.

A few days before the meeting a friend said "You know so-and-so will be there..." I did. I gave that less then 30secs of thought prior to her mentioning, and had decided that was the very best reason to go. To prove to myself that this person doesn't matter.

How did it go you ask? Well due to the fact that the bus didn't show and I had to take the next bus, I arrived 15mins late to the meeting in a packed room which could have easily contained 3 dozen people. This positioned me almost as far as I could possibly be from both people (they both showed up), which was good, because although I could see them they weren't in my direct eye line, and say the only spot was sitting next to them (every spot at the table was taken thank god and I was positioned with the row of chairs behind the table) it would have been asking too much.

They were however right in front of the food table and I was able to get up 3 times, standing right behind them. My anxiety level was slightly increased the entire time I was there, however it stayed level and did not increase as my proximity changed. That's MAJOR. The food was too good and I was too hungry to give much of a crap about what they thought of me. I was able to pay attention to the meeting and absorb everything the leader was saying, as my thoughts about what they think of me, while present, were not all consuming. Another MAJOR feat.

Thankfully I didn't have to speak to either of them. One left early and I was able to position myself out of harms way (for lack of a better term) at the end of the meeting so I didn't have to say so much as a "hi" to the other one on the way out, without it being obvious. One of these months I will work up to that. Small talk (with anyone, not just authority figures) is something at the top of my list of things to work on...

[ok, so I don't like family guy, but the picture is fitting]