It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Fun*Run Time

It's ALREADY that time of year again: The ADAPT Fun*Run for Disability Rights is April 22nd 2012. Maryland's fundraising goal is $8,000 this year. Yes, that's right, $8,000

Donate $1! Donate $10! Donate $100! Donate $1,000! JUST DONATE so we can FREE OUR PEOPLE! I thank you very much for your support!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Chicken or Egg?

There was an article I read awhile ago, Too Much Internet Linked to Depression. Hmmm... I am definitely addicted to the internet. Ask this shrink or the last one. I also have a predisposition to pretty bad depressive episodes. Ask this shrink or the last one. Or this psychiatrist or the last 2. Or my physiatrist. So... which came first? The chicken or the egg? Do I go online because I'm depressed or does being online so much make me depressed?

Kara has 2 posts that talk about how blogging can increase social support. Even CNN says so. But this article isn't talking about blogging, it's talking about porn and gaming. It is possible to be an honest to g-d internet addict and not be into porn or gaming. I'm living breathing proof.

I think though that I am still using the internet just as much as I did when I was depressed all fall. The difference is that when I really have to go somewhere I go. Instead of checking my email making me late to class I now rush to school to check it there before class. The level of panic and urgency surrounding checking my email is still the same as it was, but I've gotten to the point where my brain now sees the panic and urgency surrounding getting to school on time as equally distressing. So I check my email at school instead of in my apt. If I were to get to school too late to do so I would lose it. That is where the addiction comes in.

I think an addiction is an addiction plain and simple, mood disorder or not. My mood disorder keeps me from being able to get up, dressed, and out. My addiction does not. So now instead of just sitting like a bump in front of a screen 24/7, it's when I don't have to be somewhere that I'm online now. I don't have to be at the gym. I don't have to be in bed at 10. I can be in bed at 12. I don't have to do my assignment early, I can finish it 12hrs before it is due. It's still done. I may be online until 2mins before class and then possibly as soon as 2mins after class. This still impacts my life to the point of being disruptive, even though I appear to be pretty functional. It's just that instead of preventing me from being able to get out or even dressed and showered, it's putting me into a sleep deficit. My bipolar didn't cause my addiction, but it does change its manifestation. Not if it impacts my life, but how.

An addiction is like a mood disorder in the "cousin" sense. Very similar but different enough. Just like my mood disorder, my addiction has always been and will always be in my brain. But my addiction is not bipolar. I don't think it was caused by anything in particular, I think it just is. It is not depression or mania; it is compulsion. I don't believe that my addiction and my mood disorder are a matter of 1st and 2nd, cause and effect. They aren't a vertical progression. They're horizontal. Does that make any sense?


Adelaide Dupont said...

It is "indulgence in a pleasurable activity which has consequences'.

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