Mania

I saw a new psychiatrist on Friday. Same office, different guy. In the course of the hr and a half I was there he asked me to describe what mania feels like. "It's awful. I feel like I was run over by a truck." Which, now that I think about it, is an inaccurate portrail. I feel like death warmed over. That's worse then 'run over by a truck.'

Either way, I don't think that was the answer he was going for. I'm just exhausted. I don't actually ever feel good. I mean, other then the fact that I actually get my work done in a reasonable time frame and turn it in and pass classes. That feels good. But I feel AWFUL.

I have a really good friend who was diagnosed with BP I as a pretty young kid. I once told him that if I had to choose between being manic or being depressed, I choose depression. He looked at me like I had 5 heads. It's the truth. At least I can keep up with myself when I'm depressed.

I have CP. It causes fatigue. My body can't keep up with the racing thoughts. Just the thoughts alone wear out my brain and give me mental exhaustion. Then there's actually trying to get all those things done, like my super-detailed interactive group presentation. Yes my professor and the class were all thoroughly impressed, yes we got a 14.5 out of 15 on that assignment, but did I really need to design black and white striped signs that said referee on them to tape to our shirts? Did we really need to download the Rocky theme song and that olympics music, you know, the instrumental (I also happen to have Reach by Gloria Estefan already on my iPod)? Well, maybe we did. The presentation was on motivation and music is certainly a motivating factor. But I don't think anyone would have noticed if those things were missing. I know I'm good at program planning, I know it's a strength and tends to bring out my creative side, but referee signs, a last minute wordrobe addition, was manic rediculousness.

So there's the racing thoughts and the racing around trying to get those things done and then there's the extreme anxiousness surounding the fact that there can't possibly be enough time to get all of this done. You know of course the whole world is going to end if I don't show up to class with referee signs. Anxious racing thoughts are more exhausting then just plain old regular racing thoughts and trying to calm anxious racing thoughts is exhausting as well. That requires running, or if I don't have time to gym at least walking (fastly) all over campus while listening to techno music. It helps to try to keep my body up to the pace of my mind. I have CP. That's impossible. I'm slow. Trying to match the speed of my body with the speed of my mind is exhausing because it's impossible.

Did I mention I have CP and it causes fatigue? Did I mention that I need 9-9.5hrs of sleep when I'm being reasonable with my physical activity and that when I'm crazy manic stupid and walk 1.5mi over all of the hills on this campus I probably need 12? Did I mention when I'm manic I only get 6-7hrs of sleep? Half of what I need. So I feel awful from the moment I wake up and like death at the end of the day, falling asleep with the lights still on and my clothes still on. Unbuttoning a shirt somtimes is too much for my worn out body. This is why you can't talk about people like me. Unless, of couse, you just happen to know someone else with CP & BP. Let me know. I'd love to be introduced.