Friends

I've been thinking since Sunday that I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't like that I don't have a lot of friends. Not that I need a lot of friends, having to keep up with and coordinate plans with 50,000 people would be overwhelming and EXPENSIVE! 10 I've decided would be a nice number.

Making/keeping friends has always been hard for me, as I'm sure it is for most people with psyc disabilities, but surgeries and physical therapy are added barriers when you're a kid. There was a long period of time known as high school where I would consider that I had 2 friends.

College was easier, I think mostly do to proximity (except for the year and a half I commuted from home and had no friends). College kids live on top of each other. It's almost impossible not to make friends. Throughout the times I lived in the dorms I'd say I had 6-12 good friends (6 was a little low, I still felt somewhat isolated and alone, but I was unmedicated during that time). Some of them drifted in and out, some of them were continual. But, as happens, we drifted apart and I don't speak to a single sole.

It wasn't ever a transition where I had no friends, but there was a significant dip, and now, I realized Sat night, I have just 4 good friends. Not that I'm not thankful for my 4 good friends, I'm incredibly grateful, but I feel like I could be monopolizing, unloading on them too much. I think a bit of depression is making me focus on this, but this isn't a bad thing, taking stock of my life. I decided 10 was good. There was enough to go around.

The situation is this: I've never had a problem hanging out with people in structured groups, such as youth group [outside link] in high school, and camp when I was there, but it's always been hard for me to make that jump to deeper friendships outside of those structured times. What would you call a relationship that's in limbo right between an acquaintance and a true friend? I guess you could say that over the last half of my life I've had quite a lot of those, whatever they are. Still do.

What I don't have, what I'd like to have, is a larger network of people whom I wouldn't mind if they showed up at my door in a crisis at four in the morning (FYI, if you try to be polite and call first, I'll probably turn off the phone); whom I wouldn't feel like I was imposing on if I called them up at 7pm on a Saturday night and told them I was packing 2 changes of clothes and calling a cab because I couldn't be alone (did that once a few years ago).

Unfortunately, some of those people, who are not in the counted 4, live in Chicago (Shari Lynne & Sean are SO CUTE [shameless plug for their new blog] together) and Austin [picture right is Shari Lynne, Chicago, and Sarah, Texas] and I only get to see them every 6mos to a year at national actions. I'm not much of a phone person depending on my moods and find it difficult to keep up with people when they're not in easy transportation distance, which, being a non-driving crip, isn't very far. I cherish my weirdness and they cherish their weirdness, and that's hard to find.

Which, you know, leaves me with 4 true friends unless I decided to move. I doubt I'm living in Baltimore for the rest of my life (if you told me that 4/5 years ago I never would have believed you) but I'm not moving anytime soon.

Last week Therese did a post on 12 ways to make (good) friends, and I think that's really what put this in my head. It took 6 days to get it planted in my head and now I can't get it out. Joining OOO really did wonders, that's where I got 2 of the good friends and a gazillion acquaintance-friends (or whatever they're called) but when they stop coming we stop talking. I have in the past "stolen" friends from other friends, as Therese put it, but you have to have enough friends to "steal" from. I wouldn't call it stealing actually as it just created a larger network that hung out in a bigger and bigger group...

I didn't sleep well last night so my mind won't let me come up with a cohesive ending thought. So I guess I'll just end it here unless you have any "cross talk" as we call it at OOO...