I was getting another massage this morning, as I haven't been since the last time, and right after I got on the table I looked at her and said "I feel like such a masochist." Now who would ever say that?
For those of you who are maybe reading my blog for the first time, I have cerebral palsy, and CP is, among other things, a chronic pain condition. At 26 I know my pain triggers. I'd be worried if I didn't. And lately I've been beating up my body over and over and over again. And I'm going to keep beating up my body over and over and over again because it's more then fun.
It started last Sunday when I sat and wrote the entire November Freedom Flyer (to be posted here soon) in one sitting. I know better then that. But I took some drugs and I felt better enough. Then on Thursday I sat my butt in my chair a little after 8am and I didn't get out of it until I don't remember, but it was after 11pm. I had a meeting from 11-3 in DC for Caring Across Generations and then I hopped on the bus straight from the train, and went straight off to Occupy Baltimore. 15hrs and well, I did get up to pee twice during that time, but can you say back pain?
According to the dictionary that is built into my MacBook, besides the sexual connotation, masochism
"(in general use) [means] the enjoyment of what appears to be painful or tiresome : isn't there some masochism involved in taking on this kind of project?
Occupy Baltimore is both painful and tiresome (because paratransit keeps taking well over an hr to get me home at night and then I have to get up the next morning to go to work) and incredibly enjoyable. I've gone 3 times in 3 weeks and I was planning on going today and tomorrow and Thursday. But I didn't make it today because I chose to enjoy a nap instead.
The thing is, this past Thursday I didn't dress as warm as the week before, and it was cold, and my legs went into continual spasming (more like a shiver, CP style) and my whole body hurt, and I have this thing where when I'm sitting in my chair my feet can stay on my foot plate, but when I'm rolling at least the right one is up in the air. It has to do with my quads. In the winter it's both of them, straight out, knees locked. I almost got foot restraints for my new chair, but was talked out of it by the manufacturers rep. Well since I've been a chair user I can't ever remember staying outside for 4+ hrs in weather this cold. Apparently by the end of the night I had turned into such an ice cube that my feet might as well have been superglued to my footplate. I couldn't move a thing.
I woke up the next morning to go to work, and unfortunately a person has to move their arms in order to get out of bed. OOOWWWW! My biceps are sore! And my back is sore. And my neck is sore. And, well my legs aren't so bad, but EVERYTHING is sore!!! "Dress warmer next week," I say. Not, "What am I doing to myself? I should stop."
So yesterday I think "Why am I bothering to get a massage? She'll make it all better, but I'm going riding and then I'm coming home and showering and running 2 errands, and then I'm going back to Occupied until 10pm. And Tuesday and Thursday." There's no point. But of course there's a point.
This morning I wake up and realize I've reached the limit of how many nights in a row I can take my muscle relaxant. It causes horrible side effects and I have to take it sparingly. So almost right after, I go into her office and say "I feel like such a masochist," because I have to make the choice between continual pain or waking up a crying non-functional mess, but I can't quit Occupied. I can't quit Occupied because Occupied to Cheryl is like spinach to Popeye.
Occupied makes me feel alive. I often say that ADAPT national actions are the best anti-depressant I've ever been on. Well Occupied is like a booster shot of AWESOMENESS every single week. Occupied is a place where I can be myself, and yes there are other places I go where I can be myself, but not places that are buzzing with positive energy. Not places that are buzzing with change. Not places where everyone is filled with passion. I can't help but feed off of that, and once a week is way better then twice a year.
Since I've started going to Occupied I'm more functional, more stable, more focused then I've been in a long time. I'm more of the me I want to be and less of the me nobody likes, plus I'm now the proud owner of a pair of ear muffs. So I'm a masochist. Masochism is fun :)
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