I Hate my Brain

I was trying really hard to keep this blog strictly about serious disability issues, not about me whining and b*tching (who wants to read that), but I'm having sort of a hard time right now and I don't have an available shrink at the moment (on vacation until after New Years and I'm also an hour away from her right now) and I need to get this off my chest right now. That and I wanted to blog tonight about creature discomforts but both Terrible Palsy and eureka street have already blogged about the campaign. I kind of feel like yet another blog entry (as I am sure that there are even more out in cyberland that I have not seen) would be pointless and overkill. Besides, I just gave it the obligatory plug, so I feel good knowing that I have done my duty to get the word out.

And now to the new topic of my blog post for the week...

Do you remember that commercial from the mid-90's where there's this teen with a frying pan and an egg and she says "this is your brain." Then she smashes the egg really hard with the frying pan and goes "this is your brain on drugs." I seriously do not know how that commercial made its way from my subconscious back into the realm of my conscious, but I would like to replace the words with "this is a normal brain. This is a brain with a mood disorder." I like that I know that I am bipolar, because now I can do something about it, but right now I wish that I wasn't. Right now I wish that I had a stable brain. Right now it is 1:30 in the morning and I am wired (again) and all I want to do is go to sleep like a normal person at normal person hours. That is my Christmas Wish (can Jews have Christmas wishes? I've never heard of a Chanukah wish, so I think I will borrow from another religion... hey, whatever works at this point). I'm not sure the last time I slept normal. The end of Sept, beginning of Oct probably. Mid-Oct I went manic and was exhausted from doing so much, but then would surprisingly wake up after less hours then I need on a not exhausting day. Early Nov I crashed and was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. It was Thanksgiving weekend when I started going to bed really late and then consequently getting up really late as well. I'm still doing that and I have a 9am class next semester. Can you say PROBLEM? It's the only time it is given. I have what is known as a phase shift. I sleep fine and I sleep a regular amount when I sleep, but when (as in what time of day, not how often) is the key word. This is not the only reason I hate my brain, but it is the #1 reason at the moment.

I am just all over the place right now. I am freaking rapid cycleing and I feel sorry for everyone I am close with. I feel sorry for them because I am just impossible to live with right now. I'm starting to annoy myself, and that is when you know things are bad--when you are getting to yourself. You can't live with me because either I am depressed and irritable and snapping at everyone and everything or I am manic and talking a mile a minute 24/7 and driving people crazy, which is what I am doing at the moment. I came home and my mom was out of town. She came home and was here for only 18 hours when I got "I want to kill you, I can't stand you, and I'm about to send you back to Baltimore."

I was trying to figure out why all of a sudden I came home and felt so much better than I've been feeling. Was it a) because I just doubled the dose of my new medication? No, that couldn't be it. It's still very low. Or could it be b) that I'm home now and I do LOVE my house. I love my house, but I just don't think my house could make me feel this good. No it's because I wasn't taking my old medication for the last 3 weeks and then I came home and started taking it again because I am just starting to get on a normal sleep schedule and now I'm up at the right time to take it. I didn't believe my therapist that it was making me manic. I believe that antidepressants can make people manic in general, but with me it takes just 1 pill apparently. I don't see how it could happen this fast, but as this is the second time in the last 3 months, I am going to have to concede that maybe she really does know what she's doing.

The benefit to this is now I know how to make myself manic on cue. I told my psychiatrist that I wanted her to make me manic, but she doesn't think that that's a good idea. I'm going to have to disagree. It is very helpful when I have a big paper due or something like that. I also really like manic Cheryl. Manic Cheryl gets things done and manages her time. Now I know how to do this myself, so I don't need someone else to do it for me. If only this was the right time to be manic. I don't have any big papers due or anything like that. It's after finals. I have 5 more weeks of intersession to do nothing, which is a waste of manicness if you ask me. Anyone have any ideas of what I can do with this? I might as well use it to my advantage.